Personal writings

Everyone has a fear.. Even if nobody shows it. For some one I know, it is the fear of her children becoming dependent on people who don’t wish well on them. For some body else, it is losing his sense of humour. For me, it is being ordinary. Just another in the hordes of people. I can’t stand the feeling of being black or white when I know the possibility of being colourful exists. I want to be vivid and arresting.

When I was in junior school, somebody I knew called me ‘self-righteous’. Now, the problem with my memory is that I tend to remember a lot of stuff. But I retain very specific things. I can remember small details such as the way somebody sat in a particular meeting and somebody else’s change of expression on very specific conversation topics. I can pick out  small differences in details, and if you bring up my past conversations with yourself or other people, I can tell you exactly how I was feeling at that moment and what I was thinking. I can recall your expression, and say what I thought you were probably thinking. But that’s just guessing, and I won’t know unless you tell me. Does this happen to you too?

Back to the comment though- so, I remember this 2 second occurrence very well. Where I was ( school grounds, the building was to my right),  what time it was (Around 1.30-1.45pm), what I was doing ( Waiting for my school van to pick me up so I could go home).. What she said has still resonated with me after all these years. It was a reminder, maybe a warning that maybe I was being too selfish. What prompted her comment? She was talking about doing something, something rebellious I think- and dangerous, and I advised her against it. I think she still went ahead anyway. Anyways. The point isn’t some cliche Im-finally-over-this-so-traumatic-event-of-my-life-through-some-deep-thinking-crap. My point is about memory. Memory hurts. No, memory sucks. And most often, you tend to remember the bad things. No let me rephrase that. You tend to talk more about the bad things. (Now this is just my opinion so feel free to tell me I may be wrong.) The good thing about memory is that it reminds you of how good you have it. I realised recently (actually just right now- oh, the wonders of writing!) that just because you keep remembering or talking about bad things doesn’t mean you’re a cynical person, or a ‘negative’ guy/girl. I used to think that a lot. A lot of people, you, use talking it out as a way of getting through things. Sure, you are reflecting a lot more on the bad stuff, but maybe that’s just your way of getting out of your conundrum. I know what you’re thinking- you’re spending more time being unhappy rather than focusing on the good stuff. Valid point. But, oh, there’s no need to hurry. I know they will get there. When they need to.

There have been times though when I have wished it were possible to be selective with your memory. This means choosing to ignore things which bother you because there are more important things to be done. My father, my brother, and my youngest sister are absolute geniuses at this.( I’m not so much because I like weighing everything equally and then deciding what needs to be done. Takes some time.) In a fictional story I’m writing, one of my main characters has “the ability to compartmentalise” his life “effortlessly”. This made him very focused and especially achieved. Achieved in the things that he was passionate about- reading, learning more about things he did not know about, becoming accomplished. One of downsides was that he ignored his grandson, Robin- a lot. Think about the importance that important figures in your lives hold- parents, siblings, friends. Even teachers.  You are shaped by the people you meet who have influenced you in some way, moulded your thought processes, challenged you in your beliefs.

Now imagine if suddenly all these people disappeared from your life- there’s probably going to be a huge gap in your life( and a huge hole in your memory.) In Robin’s case, he never had those sort of persons in his life. He was his own person. Thus, his view of the world was primarily shaped by he himself. Anyways, as you read the story you see the difficulties he has when the tide goes against him. He assumes defeat quickly. (His lack of trust in the police to find out who attacked him) Or just wants to get over it. (““Let’s talk about my grandfather another time,” Why did he have to keep following me in every conversation?”) He double-checks on himself-alot. Was I right to think that way? Did I just say something wrong? What do they think when they see me?  He’s also compassionate and humble. His humbleness is reflected in his silence and all the analysing that goes on in his head. I love this about him. I made these some of his defining characteristics because these two qualities have always been make-or-break for me whenever I meet new people. I believe they say a lot about a person’s character, and how they would treat you in times when you aren’t of some specific importance to them, and also animals. Compassion and humility are strengths. In Robin, especially, this two qualities differentiate him from the other people he meets. The interesting part happens when he realises how different his mentality, his fears, his passions are from others..This theory will develop further- slowly as it requires a lot of thinking on my part; I just gave you a big glimpse in, didn’t I? (I hope you read my story now if you haven’t yet! 🙂 ) I think it can definitely give a deeper look on the workings of the human mind and heart in times of adversity, indifference and.. well to see what happens to this individual.


One thought on “Personal writings

  1. To have a strong memory can be both a blessing and a curse, but it depends which one you choose it to be. It is in human nature not to forget the painful statements, opinions or even events. And it is these very memories that lead to fear and self doubt. So really it is up to us to decide which memories we choose to keep and what did we learn from each event in our lives.

    It is a journey and one learns with experience. So take up the journey without fears and see what wonders unfold right before your eyes 🙂

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